gabriella's Story

As part of our I Wish campaign, Our Time Ambassador Gabriella spoke to us about her experiences of growing up with a mother who was suffered from depression and anxiety.

I had quite a good childhood. There were moments where it was tricky as my mum had episodes, and she'd get ill with anxiety and depression and for three or four months, it would be really, really hard. It would feel like I didn't have a mum.

It was mainly when she was sick, which used to happen every year or two, where she would have that period of three or four months when she was ill.

I just knew there was something up with her. And then feeling like we had to hide it. I remember being in school and trying to communicate to someone that something was up with my mum, but I didn't really know what it was or how to explain it.

As I got a bit older, maybe aged 8 or 9, I sort of knew what mental health was. I felt like I was an expert, and I knew all about it, but mental illness was really frowned upon back then. Like you were labelled as crazy or, “oh, your mum's crazy.” So, I was trying to understand whilst mental health wasn't spoken about as much.

I have a vivid memory from secondary school when I was really playing-up, and I got taken out of the lesson by a mentor, and he asked me, “what is going on with you?” And I burst out and said “you don't understand what's happening at home! My mum is unwell and all this stuff is getting to me.”

It's really hard because he did help me throughout school at times, but he really brushed off what I'd said to him. I don’t think he really believed me, and he was almost like, “oh, it's fine, you'll be fine.” It didn't make me feel validated. So, when I did get to the point of telling someone, he didn't want to even listen, and he didn't sit me down and ask, “what's going on? Let me help you.”

After that, I felt like I didn't really want to share what was happening at home or talk about it, so I went through a period in life where I didn't really speak about it at all.

I wish my mentor at school had said something like, ‘‘do you know what, come with me for a minute, let's go for a chat’’ or “would you like to speak with the counsellor or who do you want to speak to?” I wish there was a little bit more understanding and someone believing in what I had said. Instead, he brushed it off. ‘I wanted more support, and for someone to listen and give me space even just to cry. After I told him, there was no further support or no further check-in.

I think my school knowing more about my mum’s mental illness would have been helpful. It was really bad at home, and it really affected me at school.

My mum got to the point where she was almost suicidal. She would turn to drinking every day, and self-harm. On paper it sounds like anxiety and depression means she’s probably in bed all day. It was way more than that. I think it would have been better if my school had understood what I was actually dealing with in the home. So, they’d understand why I was struggling or why I might come in and be sleep deprived or can't focus, or why I'm emotional and angry. Because I didn't have any chance to process my emotions at home.

What I would have loved back then is almost an older sister figure or maybe a female teacher who could give me motherly, or girl to girl, advice about things. I think that's what I really, really needed back then.

My advice for teachers is to just remember to be present and give young people that chance. Just one conversation could really change everything.

I wish teachers would take those conversations a little bit more seriously because they don't realise how impactful it can be to just have one or two positive interactions, just giving a young person that time.

Listen out for those keywords, you know, someone saying they're struggling, or they're finding things difficult, or things are really hard at home. Open up that conversation because it can be, a cry for help, or it can be that a young person is actually ready to discuss things. If a young person comes to you, and they're ready to say talk but then it gets shut down, they could hold it in again for another six months.

If I were to give my advice to a young person dealing with parental mental illness, it would be to try and have the courage to find the words to say what's happening, because without saying it, no one's going to know how to help you. Find the courage to speak out and find a trusted adult to speak to and lean on when you're going through a difficult time. As hard as it might be try to find the courage to do that.

If you would like to share your own story, please get in touch with Ella Newman-Greaves, Our Time Community Manager. ella.newman-greaves@ourtimecharity.org.uk